hp fic: Weasleys Wizard Wheezes: The Spring 2006 Edition

[xylodemon]

Title: Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes: The Spring 2006 Edition
Rating: PG
A/N: I blame the Non-Fiction Challenge at omniocular. This is pretty much my take on the Weasleys Wizarding Wheezes Quarterly. Crack inside. Crack. Enabled by happiestwhen.

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93 diagon alley

Spring 2006 2 Sickles

Dungbombs
GM-00001-D
Add a bit of spice to the dullest of gatherings! These cheerful red bombs are smaller than the average explosive, but don't let that fool you. Their diminutive size allows for optimum discretion, but they still pack quite a punch -- four out of five Hogwarts toilets agree! Each of our signature Dungbombs comes equipped with an all-weather, extra-long fuse, which ensures your safety and is guaranteed to burn even when wet. 100 count box
Price: 10 Sickles, 15 Knuts

Stinkpellets
GM-00002-S
Disgust your friends! Discombobulate your enemies! Prove to your housemates that there is something mankier than your socks! We promise our exclusive brand of Stinkpellets are the smelliest things in existance, with the possible exception of Mundungus Fletcher. Made from the finest natural materials, these Stinkpellets are both heat and spell resistant, they crush easily and dissolve instantly in water, and while inside their specially-charmed box, they are undetectable by even the most advanced spells and devices. 500 count box
Price: 8 Sickles

Cloth-Eating Powder
GM-00003-C
Whether you're trying to get a leg up or get a leg over, never has there been an easier way to get someone starkers! Our Cloth-Eating Powder is both odourless and light-weight, and it's very easy to use. Just sprinkle it on a person's clothing, and watch the fun begin! Guaranteed to dissolve any fabric -- even leather and dragonhide -- instantly on contact, and unlike other Vanishing powders on the market, it knows what it's on about. It chews through clothes, not skin! 1 16 ounce bottle
Price: 4 sickles, 8 Knuts

Fantastic Fireworks
GM-00004-F
Finally, fireworks with a purpose! These highly flammable frolics work the same as ordinary fireworks, but the fun's not over once they explode. The resulting shower of sparks will paint the sky red, green, violet, or blue, then form into the shape of a fantastic beast. Fantastic beasts are chosen at random by the fireworks, themselves, but be prepared for anything from Acromantulas to Yeti. Beasts generally dissipate in thirty to forty-five seconds. In the event your beast grows ornery or gives chase, a simple Stupefy will show it what's what. 3 Fireworks
Price: 8 sickles

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Canary Cremes
FS-00011-C
Delightful sweets that will make you tweet! These light, sugary treats are delicious, and will appear blissfully benign to the unsuspecting. The simple Transfiguration potion in creme filling is feathery and harmless fun. Effects last five minutes or until you moult, which ever comes first. Plucking is not advised. With flavours like banana and liquorice, even the most stringent dieter will be unable to say no. 3 count box
Price: 14 Sickles

Tonne-Tongue Toffees
FS-00012-T
Delectable candies that will make your tongue rise to the occasion! These sweet, buttery toffees come individually wrapped in plain, unmarked foil that cleverly hides the ginormous surprise inside. Our specialised rapid-rise Engorgment Charm takes hold immediately. Effects last two to three minutes, and can be halted by a standard Engorgio countercurse. Not suggested for young children or people with ridiculously small mouths. 50 count bag
Price: 9 Sickles, 22 Knuts

Skiving Snackboxes
FS-000013-S
These tricky treats have both sickness on demand and the cure for what ails you. Dip into these treasures when confronted with an unwanted meeting, an unexpected exam, or a dreadfully boring dinner with long-lost family. One half of these nutty nougats will knock you flat on your arse, while the other half will fix you up once you've chewed and swallowed. Each box contains a variety of illnesses, maladies, and general vapours. 30 count box
Price: 2 Galleons

Kitten Kaboodles
FS-00014-K
These sweet, adorable chocolates are the cat's meow -- literally! Our secret blend of rich, milk chocolate and selected Animal Magnetism potions will have you purring and begging to be scratched behind the ears, or alternatively, hissing and spitting at dogs, rodents, and those whom you do not like. Effects last ten to fifteen minutes, or until you've had a good yowl and been threatened by the neighbours with an old, rubber boot. These chocolates contain no cat fur, skin, or saliva, so they are perfectly safe for people with feline allergies. 25 count tin
Price: 11 Sickles

Tortoise Ticklers
FS-00015-T
We promise, these delicious hard candies will bring you out of your shell! We've taken delicate, spun-sugar in your favourite flavours and crafted it into the sparkling jewels that form these tasty turtles. And these precious sweets won't be taken without a fight! If you bite down on these innocent-looking candies, they eject a miniature Probity-Probe that will tickle your tongue and palate pink! Each box offers a variety of flavours, including strawberry, cherry, grape, orange, lemon, and lime. 100 count box
Price: 8 sickles

Jumbo Java Jolt
FS-00016-T
Need to stay up late? Have to keep your eyes open in class? Are you nodding off as you read this? Our Jumbo Java Jolt is just the thing you need! This bubbly, coffee-flavoured beverage is infused with a combination of caffeine and stimulants that put Pepperup Potion to shame. Just one can of our Jumbo Java Jolt will have you going for days. And days. And days. Average awake time is ninety-six hours, though in extreme cases, sleep has been postponed for almost a week. This product is not intended for the elderly or people with heart conditions. Side effects may included redness of the eyes. Hallucinations rarely occur, but if they do, seek medical attention immediately. 6 cans
Price: 7 sickles

Gay For a Day Parfait
FS-00017-P
These sweet creme parfaits will give you a sudden change of... perspective. They also present you with an opportunity to give back to the community -- for each Gay for a Day Parfait you purchase, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes will donate one Sickle to Florian Fortescue's Big Gay Home for Big Gay Magical Pets and Familiars. These parfaits are avaiable in vanilla, chocolate, and a dreamy vanilla and chocolate swirl (pictured). Effects last a full twenty-four hours, and are not reversable by spell or potion. 1 Parfait
Price: 2 Galleons, 10 Sickles

Palindrome Portkeys
GE-00101-P
Hide from your enemies! Escape from angry parents, prefects, and professors! Disappear in the nick of time! These miniature, single-use Portkeys are just the ticket when you desperately need to be elsewhere. They are small and easy to conceal, and appear to be an average, ordinary house key. This simplified version of the Portus spell will transport you the closest cabinet, wardrobe, or cupboard under the stairs, and return you to your original location in five to seven minutes. 1 Portkey
Price: 2 Galleons

Instant Holes
GE-00102-I
These transportable holes allow you to worm your way into anywhere, and they are just the thing when your escape has gone pear-shaped. Never again will you be foiled by a locked door, a dead end, or a wall too high to scale! These holes are small enough to hide in your pocket, but once unwrapped, they expand to the size shown. No barricade is too strong or too thick -- our Instant Holes can bore through wood, metal, brick, and stone. Usage not advised within 10 feet of a Vanishing Cabinet. 1 Hole
Price: 3 Galleons

Decoy Detonators
GE-00103-D
If you can't fight it, scare it, or outrun it, send it on a wild goose chase! These handy honkers use the classic art of misdirection to ensure you can make a clean get-away. Once let loose, you Decoy Detonator will scurry away and make noise that will distract your pursuers. Capable of various sounds, including explosions, broomstick collisions, small riots, and farts. Any sound you choose, it will be sudden, and loud enough to be heard in the next district. 1 Detonator
Price: 11 Sickles, 13 Knuts

Darkness Powder
GE-00104-D
Escape from your enemies under the cover of darkness! Remember, the menaced and maligned can't catch what they can't see! Imported from Peru and treated with a secret combination of spells, our brand of Darkness Powder will hide you as flawlessly as an Invisibility Cloak. Toss just once pinch of this precious powder in the air, and you're gone with the wind. Darkness will extend up to twenty-five square feet around you, and it will last for approximately ten minutes. 1 16 ounce bag
Price: 16 Sickles, 1 Knut

Rubber Wands
SJ-01001-R
It's not from Ollivanders, but it just might fool someone! These crafty wand replicas aren't worth a Lumos, but they turn to rubber when touched. Great for parties, gags, and driving your mum 'round the twist! Wands will return to their original state with a basic Stiffening Charm. Variety box includes approximations of birch, holly, elm, willow, and mahogany, in standard wand lengths from seven to eleven inches. Follow the simple instructions on the box, and these fake wands will also shoot sparks. 20 count box
Price: 16 Sickles

Biting Broomsticks
SJ-01002-B
These toothy teasers won't get off the ground, but they look just like the real thing, and anyone thinking to go to town is in for quite the surprise. A hidden mouth on the drive shaft will kick into gear when the broom is mounted, and a row of dull but determined teeth will make it a wild ride to remember. Teeth will not yield until the target sings all forty-eight verses of The Hippogryff Kicked Morgana in the Belly in the Barn. Biting Brooms are standard size and weight, and strongly resemble a Nimbus 2004. 1 Broom
Price: 5 Galleons

Instant Lethifold
SJ-01003-I
Trick your friends into thinking they're about to be eaten alive! Laugh yourself to death while your target worries himself into conniptions. These diabolical devils mimic the lethal creatures that stalk tropical regions and prey on the sleeping. Only, they're small. And not so lethal. Once unleashed, our Instant Lethifolds will attach themselves to the closest, unattended appendage, but they are relatively harmless. They come individually wrapped in discreet foil packets, and are guaranteed to remain dormant until they come in contact with fresh air. 1 Lethifold
Price:10 Sickles

Pygmy Puffs
PF-10001-P
These bright, plush puffs are sweet and cuddly, and they make the perfect pets! Pictured here in breeding containment, our Pygmy Puffs are guaranteed to be the Pet You Forgot You Had Because You Never Have To Take Care Of It. Pygmy Puffs require almost nothing in the way of maintenance, and since they survive off the dust that gathers under your wardrobe and bed, they cost nothing to feed. Great for people who are never home! And they don't bite, so they make wonderful companions for small children, although there is a potential choking hazard. 1 Puff
Price: 1 Galleon

Pocket Pooch
PF-10002-P
These adorable dogs are cute, playful, and most importantly, small. While they require a bit more care than the Pygmy Puffs, these dogs are positively tiny, so they don't each much at all. Perfect for people with very little space, or people who live in the sort of flats that forbid pets that weigh over a half-pound. Pocket Pooches are both playful and loveable. They're sometimes prone to the yaps or fits of nerves, but it's nothing that can't be set to rights with a quick Silencio. 1 Dog
Price: 4 Galleons

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